Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals / Adam and Eve: The First Love Story / Adam and Eve / Blue Paradise / Adamo ed Eva, la Prima Storia d’Amore (1983) -***½
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been six years since I began 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting, three years since I shifted its primary venue to the internet. And in that time, one thing has become abundantly clear to me: the moral condition of this operation is absolutely appalling! Look around— nothing but sin, sin, sin, as far as the eye can see! Well it’s high time I did something to elevate the center of spiritual gravity around here, and with that in mind, I’ve decided to go out and get myself some religion; with that in mind, I give you Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals, or Genesis according to Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo.
In the beginning, God created stock footage of volcanoes erupting, and saw that it was good— or good enough, at any rate, for a crummy and arguably blasphemous Italian exploitation movie. Great tumult was there, as the lava flowed and the ash flew and the Earth split open to belch forth mighty tongues of flame, but soon the birth-pangs did end and there was peace under the heavens. God was not satisfied, however, for the Earth was as yet a boring place, and so He seeded it with every form of animal, plant, and anaerobic bacterium. And lo! So vast was the power of the LORD that much of His handiwork was not represented by clips from 30-year-old nature documentaries! Finally, in the Garden of Eden, God did place a huge, membranous sac, revolting to behold and like unto a placenta some four feet across. And out of this foul thing did spring Mark Gregory, from 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Escape from the Bronx, and the LORD did dub him “Adam.”
The LORD gave Adam all of Eden to be his home, and the first man spent many a day hiking through jungles and standing pensively upon ridges, yet Adam was lonely and discontented in the Garden. To the beach he went, but he was lonely there too, and in his longing for company he did fashion a Real Dolltm from the moist sand and lay himself down beside it. God saw that nothing good could come of this, and he sent a thunderstorm to dissolve the woman of sand. But even as he did this, the LORD poured out His blessings upon Adam, for when the sand washed away in the rain, Adam saw that it left Andrea Goldman in its place. Adam named the woman “Eve,” and he and his companion were happy for a time, but Eve was not a dullard like her mate, and she soon grew bored with the changelessness of the Garden. It was then that the Serpent did come into Eden, seeking to tempt Eve with the apples which grew upon the one plant from which she and Adam were forbidden to eat, the Tree of Knowledge of Crazy Monkey Sex. And Adam had remonstrance with Eve, telling her that to eat of the apples was not permitted, yet he could give her no reason for the ban and she was not persuaded. Eve succumbed to the Serpent’s wiles, and when he saw what his mate had done, Adam sullenly joined her in her transgression. Suffused were they then with the knowledge of crazy monkey sex, and much pawing and groping was there in the Garden that day. God saw all this from on high, and He was wrathful. Outside the Garden, He set a great wind machine to blow His rebellious creations out of Eden, but Adam and Eve clung to the trees and to each other, and the wind could not move them. Then God sent forth more stock footage to frighten Adam and Eve out of the Garden, but the recycled earthquakes and eruptions could not scare them. Finally, God— who, being eternal, had already seen Raiders of the Lost Ark— created a vast, spherical boulder and set it rolling toward the wayward humans. Adam and Eve did not notice that the great boulder was both back-projected and a stop-motion miniature, and they were much affrighted. They fled from the rolling rock, and did not stop running until they fell through a hole in the ground, and wound up in The Incredible Petrified World.
Now despite what Jerry Warren might think, man cannot long abide in lifeless, lightless caverns, and so it was that Adam and Eve set themselves to trekking. For forty days and forty nights (or so it will seem to you, I assure you), they did wander through caves and clamber up rock-faces, until finally they did emerge upon the desolate surface of the world and trek for forty days and forty nights more. Hungry and thirsty and cold were they, and much bickering was there between them. Then Eve came upon a nest of great and leathery eggs, which she and Adam began to eat, but those eggs belonged to a mighty and ferocious Pterodactyl, and the first humans on Earth learned then what it was to fight for their lives against mangy rubber monsters. Strong was Adam, however, and he killed the Pterodactyl, and they did feast upon its offal, ignorant as they were in those early days of such delicacies as Buffalo wings.
More trekking was there then, and Adam and Eve did arrive in the hills. There were cavemen in the Earth in those days, the heroes of Pasquale Campanile movies, and they sought intercourse with the sons and daughters of men— or so we might guess from all the tit-fondling and groin-grabbing that came when the cavemen surrounded Adam and Eve at the foot of the cliffs wherein they dwelt. Adam and Eve did not wish to abide with the cavemen, however, for Adam insisted upon finding the sea, and Eve wanted no more manhandling from the bearded and lice-ridden. But Eve did not believe in the sea, for neither she nor Adam had ever seen it, and a great row was there between them. Eve saw also that Adam was a dick, and she did leave him to stand pensively upon yet more escarpments while she bestirred herself to the jungle. There she met the Yanomamo people, for God had apparently created Umberto Lenzi and Ruggero Deodato by this time, and the headhunters’ fierciest warrior (Supernova’s Angel Alcazar) fell in love with Eve, for God had apparently not yet created Mei Mei Lai, and the Yanomamo women were skanky and unappealing in the warrior’s sight.
But the Yanomamo had enemies, foul and furry cannibals like unto those in Quest for Fire, and the cannibals did descend upon the village while Eve and her head-hunting lover tarried by a waterfall. Much carnage and savagery was there, and the screams did bring Eve’s warrior racing to his people’s aid. With a stout, carven stick the warrior did kung-fu the cannibals one by one and even three by three, but they were too many and too strong, and the Yanomamo were taken away into captivity. Eve, too, was carried off, but Adam had grown weary of gazing into canyons by then, and as if by a miracle he came upon the cannibals’ camp and did battle. Eve’s warrior broke free then from his bonds, and with his stick he showed Adam how a Real Man fights with them who eat the flesh of other men, until enough damage had been done for him to flee into the hills with Adam and Eve without fear of mass pursuit. Not long was their time of peace, however, for there were man-in-a-suit bears in that country, and further, both Adam and the warrior would have Eve choose between them, and would fight each other for her affections if she would not. Fight they did, and Adam was bested, yet the Yanomamo warrior spared him and stalked off in a huff when he heard Eve pleading for the beaten man’s life. Never did either one see him again.
Adam and Eve did reconcile with each other then, and so vigorous was their reconciliation that Eve did become pregnant as a consequence. Adam was still a dick, however, and he still insisted upon seeking the sea without sparing an explanation for his companion. Through a great many Jean M. Auel novels did they wander, clad in the skins of man-in-a-suit bears and arguing incessantly, and Adam so missed the Incredible Petrified World that he led Eve into yet more lightless and clammy caverns. There they met wolves, and Adam fought with them, having learned from the Yanomamo the ways of beating the shit out of things with a six-foot stick. Still they wandered, and when at last they emerged again from the caves, they saw that the LORD had called down an ice age while they were not paying attention. Many travails did the ice age cause them, until even Adam despaired of ever reaching their destination. But God was merciful, and He soon ended the ice age with miraculous stock footage of iceberg formation. When He did, Adam and Eve saw that verily they had arrived at the sea, and they made their homes by the shore. Adam took up trade with the local Mesolithic tribe, bartering fish— non-bottom-feeders with both fins and scales, of course— for the fire which the stone-agers had learned to make, but which Adam and Eve were far too dim to think of themselves. At last, Eve gave birth to a son, and the audience could no longer resist asking: “If these are the first two humans on Earth, and this is their first kid, then where in the holy living fuck did all those cavemen and cannibals and headhunters and Mesolithic horticulturalists come from?!?!” Hallelujah and amen!
I’m sure you’ll agree that the story of Adam and Eve’s expulsion from the Garden of Eden was just crying out to be turned into an Italian caveman movie— right? Well, okay— maybe not. In fact, maybe it’s just about the most shithole-stupid idea you can ever remember hearing. You’re probably right. Certainly Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals is just about the most shithole-stupid biblical epic I can ever remember seeing. I was somewhat disappointed by how little gut-munching the film delivered (it was but a single scene), but I consider that shortcoming fully counterbalanced by all the amazingly ridiculous crap that comes with Doria and Russo’s mad decision to handle the Christian creation myth according to caveman conventions. That Pterodactyl, for example. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would one day get to see a movie in which the biblical Adam strangled a pterosaur to death with his bare hands, let alone one in which Adam looked like the lead singer of an 80’s hair-metal band! Then there’s the pitiful cave bear that Adam and the headhunter wrestle, and the way in which our heroes’ first brush with fire paints them as the most backward people on Earth, and the ice age which comes and goes in what looks to be a matter of weeks. You really don’t need all that much gut-munching when you’ve got crap like that to tide you over, believe me. Lots of luck finding this one, but take advantage of the situation immediately in the unlikely event that Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals should cross your path.
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